Sunday, April 24, 2016

I'm Back


These last few months have been hard, every time I would start blogging I would let out my little secret and I didn't want to just yet. But now I am ready to share... I'm pregnant! It still feels so weird to say, but I nevertheless I am so excited!

I didn't think I would get pregnant for a while because it had taken so long the first time. But I was a few days late and realized I was craving the things I did last time. Thinking there was no way I was pregnant, I bought my tests at the Dollar Store. I got home and took the test, before the time was up that second line was visible. I couldn't believe it, so,  I took another test and same thing. I finally fessed up to my hubs. He of course, gave himself the majority of the credit and then we began discussing when we should start telling people.

When I went to see my new endo (We will call her Dr. Awesome) she assured me that my numbers were great and told me to make sure to keep my after meal numbers at 130 and below. I see her every two weeks and she has been my saving grace. It's hard being diabetic in general, you have a ton of pressure to keep your numbers in check, but when you have a bad day or week it's just a bad day or week. When you are pregnant you are consumed with guilt. I talked about this a lot of Dr. Awesome and she let me know that yes, the goal is to keep my numbers in line, but to just remember that it's going to be ok if I have a bad day or two.

Because I wanted tighter control I found myself having more lows than normal. What I didn't know or understand was that during your first trimester you are insulin sensitive. I needed less insulin than normal to keep my numbers in line. I also learned that just because the only thing that you can keep down are carbs doesn't mean you are at liberty to do when you are diabetic. I got in a lot of trouble for not having enough protein or fat in the mornings, but learned a great compromise was protein shakes. They were great! They were easy on my stomach and helped my numbers from spiking and dropping.

I am still learning things as I go, but so far baby is happy and healthy and that's all I can ask for at the end of the day.

Monday, February 29, 2016

Honesty


I don't mind living with diabetes. I feel like it's helped me get more in tune with my body, take better care of myself, and most importantly, it helped me grow up. Then there are days when I just want to punch diabetes in the face.

 Lately, it's been a pain in my neck. No, not the checking my numbers and counting carbs part, but the actual numbers part. Every time I wait for the number on the screen to come I get a large wave of anxiety. Will it be where I want it to be? What if it's not? Usually, I can let it go and remember that it's just a part of living with diabetes and I will do better next time. But lately, I don't feel as at ease with that. I want to have a formula to having more controlled numbers and it's frustrating during this trial and error period when that doesn't happen. 

The amount of pressure we can put on ourselves to have perfect numbers is overwhelming. I have been feeling physically and emotionally exhausted trying to keep my numbers perfect. I'm tired, I ache, and I sometimes can't not think about diabetes. It's been a constant thought for the last month and I can't seem to shake it. 

My apologies for the negativity, but the one thing that I find most important on this blog is my being honest with where I am at with this disease, and today this is where I am at. It might be different tomorrow, it might be the same. If this is where you are at in your disease right now, I just want you to know that I understand and hope you get past this too. 


Monday, January 18, 2016

Dreaming Large


The other day a group of us were sitting around a table and dreaming large. Everyone was talking about what they would be doing if they didn't work at the job they have now. We were having so much fun letting our minds linger in the moment and just relishing in the "what would we do"? My problem was that I didn't know what I would do. The questions kept lingering in the back of my mind what would I do? What could I do? I didn't want it to be something that would never happen, I wanted it to be something that I could one day make happen. After several days of dreaming I finally realized what I would do, are you read? Wait for it, long pause for effect, I would open a Diabetes Education Center!

I am so passionate about all things diabetes. I would love to help people who have been recently diagnosed get plugged into a community of people who understand what they are going through. I would love to have cooking classes, nutrition classes, and counseling for not only diabetics, but for families who have just been thrown into this world because a family member has been recently diagnosed. There is something about the idea of this that brings me great joy. And if this is something that I can one day make a reality I would be the happiest.

There are a lot of fears that come along with this dream. It will be a lot of work and if I failed I would be crushed. Sometimes it's nice to have the dream and let it be a dream. But I would also hate to hold back on something I am passionate about because I am scared. It's a lot to think about and I want to research the crap out of it before I even begin moving forward on anything. Right now, it's just a dream, but we will see if it turns into something more in the future.